


Somewhere Along the Way

by JenTheSweetie



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-25
Updated: 2013-11-25
Packaged: 2018-01-02 13:57:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1057599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenTheSweetie/pseuds/JenTheSweetie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“What in the hell are you talking about?” McCoy said.</i><br/> <br/><i>“Love,” Jim said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.</i></p><p>
  <i>“You’re gonna have to use more words, you caveman.”</i>
</p><p> <i>“How would I know for sure if I was in love?” Jim asked plaintively. </i></p><p>
  <i>McCoy sighed.  “You’d know.  Trust me.  Right now, you’d be feeling like some kind of alien parasite was ripping your guts apart, trying to climb up your throat, squeezing the life out of your balls, and trying to take over your brain all at once.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Ew.  That’s gross.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Exactly.  That’s love.  As long as that don’t sound familiar, you’re probably safe.  And if you throw up on my shoes right now, I am never speaking to you again.”</i>
</p><p> </p><p>Or, 5 times Leonard McCoy wouldn’t admit he was a little bit in love with Jim Kirk, and the one time he kind of, sort of did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Somewhere Along the Way

**Author's Note:**

> Cameo by Chris Pine's beard. Thanks so much for reading - you have no idea how much I appreciate each and every reader!

1.

“I’m in love.” Jim underscored this pronouncement by flopping dramatically onto McCoy’s couch.

“Who’s the lucky life-form this week?” McCoy said, not even glancing up from his PADD.

Jim pouted. “I’m hurt, Bones. It’s not every day I fall in love.”

“It’s most days,” McCoy said. 

“But not with a girl like Nadine. You remember her - the cadet from my Xenobiology class who waitresses part time at Bar None? Tall, brunette, _big_ personality.”

“So that’s what you kids call ‘being in love’ these days? I thought they still called it ‘getting a hand job in the bathroom’, but you know I’m not up on all the slang.”

“We had dinner last night,” Jim said. “And breakfast this morning.”

“Wow. Two meals with one woman? That must be a Jim Kirk record.”

Jim didn’t dignify that with a response. “She already agreed to be my helmsman when I re-re-take the Kobayashi Maru next month, _and_ we’re going to meet tomorrow after Xenobio to study together. At the library.”

McCoy finally looked up from his PADD, feeling vaguely stunned. “You’re going to the library with this girl? Shit. You _are_ in love.”

“Seriously, Bones, she’s amazing. She’s smart, funny, totally gorgeous, and she does this thing with her tongue where – ”

“I’m sure she’s great,” McCoy interrupted. “But this definitely isn’t love, kid. This is just overgrown lust.”

“How do you know?” Jim said, propping himself up on one elbow. “Maybe it _is_ love. Maybe you’re wrong, and I’m going to marry her and have like ten kids and never sleep with anyone else ever again. Sounds pretty awful, I’ll admit, but who am I to turn down a chance at true love? Maybe Nadine is _the one_.”

McCoy raised an eyebrow. “Do you think she’s the one?”

Jim shrugged. “Nah. But how do _you_ know she’s not the one?”

“Because,” McCoy said, sighing, “If you really thought she was the one, you wouldn’t be sitting here talking about it calmly with me. You’d be going out of your mind, calling her all the time, talking about how beautiful she is when she sleeps and shit, and totally oblivious to the fact that she’s crazy and a liar and probably sneaking around on you. You’d be in _pain_. Love is fucking terrible and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, not even you.”

Jim blinked. “Damn. You really hate your ex-wife, don’t you?”

“No comment,” McCoy said darkly.

-

Two weeks later, Jim threw himself down on McCoy’s couch yet again.

“Nadine dumped me.”

McCoy spared him a mostly sympathetic but completely unsurprised glance. “What a shame. What’d you do?”

“Nothing,” Jim said sullenly. “Well. Except sleep with her roommate. But that was like three months ago, how was I supposed to remember her name?”

McCoy pressed his lips together, deciding this was not the exact moment to laugh. That would be later. “Bad break, kid. Better luck next time. Let me send in this paper and we’ll get a drink to celebrate you re-joining the ranks of the single.”

“I don’t think I feel like it,” Jim said.

McCoy raised his eyebrows. “Oh come on now. You weren’t really in love with her. You were barely in _like_ with her.”

Jim shrugged. “Guess so. I just…” Jim stared at the ceiling, as if hoping it would have an answer for him. “Forget it. How about that drink, then?” Jim said, sitting up. “Also. I have to find a new helmsman for the Kobayashi Maru by Thursday. You know anybody who might be up for it?” 

“If you think I’m sitting through you failing that goddamn thing for the third time, you got another thing coming,” McCoy said.

“I’ll buy you a drink. And I’m not going to fail this time.”

“Jim, don’t even think about – ”

“I’ll buy you _two_ drinks, _and_ I’ll introduce you Nadine’s hot lab partner. Come on, Bones. I just got my heart broken. Can you really deny me this?”

McCoy sighed again. “You son of a bitch.”

“I knew you cared,” Jim said with a grin, and deftly caught the pillow McCoy threw at his face. 

-

“I don’t even know how to do it, Bones.”

“Hmm?” McCoy said to his own feet as Jim pulled up short. He couldn’t look up; the world was spinning too much. “C’mon, Jim, keep walking. We’re almost back. I’m not gonna fuckin’ carry you, you drunk son of a bitch.”

“Isn’t that crazy? I don’t even know what it’s _like_ ,” Jim said, clinging to McCoy’s arm. “I probably can’t even do it.”

“What in the hell are you talking about?” McCoy said.

“ _Love_ ,” Jim said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“You’re gonna have to use more words, you caveman.”

“How would I know for sure if I was in love?” Jim asked plaintively. “You know, with Nadine. How would I know?”

McCoy sighed. “You’d know. Trust me. Right now, you’d be feeling like some kind of alien parasite was ripping your guts apart, trying to climb up your throat, squeezing the life out of your balls, and trying to take over your brain all at once.”

“Ew. That’s gross.”

“Exactly. _That’s_ love. As long as that don’t sound familiar, you’re probably safe. And if you throw up on my shoes right now, I am never speaking to you again.”

“What if I _never_ fall in love?”

“Kid,” McCoy said tiredly, “You’re young. You’re stupid. Believe me, you’ll fall in love before you know it.”

“Bones?” Jim said, staring straight into McCoy’s eyes and looking more serious than McCoy had seen him all night, probably more serious than McCoy had seen him ever. 

McCoy stared back, his mouth dry. “What?”

“I,” Jim said, and blinked. McCoy got the distinct feeling that Jim was looking straight at his lips. “I think I’m – ”

“What?”

The color leaked out of Jim’s face.

“I’m gonna hurl.”

“Oh Jesus Christ.”

 

2.

“What the _fuck_ is on your _face_?”

Jim grinned as he stepped down off the transporter pad. “Good to see you too, Bones. Have a good shore leave?”

McCoy felt his face twist in disgust. He did have a good shore leave, actually; he’d relaxed with Joanna at the beach in North Carolina and hadn’t had to treat anything worse than a sunburn for two whole weeks. He was already missing Jo, he’d spent the last hour re-sorting two batches of vaccines that Medical had somehow managed to bungle in his absence, and the _thing_ currently residing on Jim’s generally-smooth face was not helping his mood. “It’s horrible.”

“I had a great time, thanks for asking. And yeah, I thought you’d like it.”

“It can’t be regulation,” McCoy said.

“It is. I knew you’d ask, so I checked.”

“It’s unhygienic.”

“No it’s not. It’s exactly like hair, but on my face.”

“I hate it,” McCoy grumbled, following Jim out of the transporter room and toward the bridge. 

“I know!” Jim said happily. 

-

Jim was right – his short-cropped beard _was_ regulation – but that didn’t make McCoy hate it any less. It didn’t help that apparently some kind of space madness had gotten onto the Enterprise during their shore leave on Earth, because now instead of _most_ of the crew going into paroxysms of lust when Jim walked by, _all_ of the crew went into paroxysms of lust when Jim walked by. And McCoy couldn’t pin it down on anything except that goddamn beard.

“Ugly as sin,” he muttered under his breath, folding his arms from his position near the communications console and glaring at the captain’s chair as Jim said something under his breath to Yeoman Rand, who burst into highly unprofessional giggles.

“What was that, Doctor?” Uhura asked, glancing up at him from her seat.

“Nothing,” McCoy said. Uhura raised her eyebrows. “It’s just – why do people think facial hair is attractive? It looks like some kind of small animal went and died while it was trying to crawl up to claw out his eyeballs.”

“I think it makes him look… mature,” Uhura mused. “The press is all over Starfleet for giving the Enterprise to someone so young, and I think he wants to make himself look older.”

“Well _I_ think it’s turned half the crew into a bunch of hormone-addled fools. I don’t get it. He was perfectly good-looking bef – he looked just fine without it,” McCoy interrupted himself. 

“Mmhmm,” Uhura said noncommittally.

“Plus, don’t they realize how goddamn scratchy it would be?” McCoy said. “Seems like it would be a major inconvenience once you got up close and personal, haven’t they thought about that?”

“Seems like you have,” Uhura said.

“What?” McCoy said. “I’m just tired people tripping over themselves as he walks by. He doesn’t need his head blown up any bigger. Plus none of us need the bridge being full of people comin’ in and out just to see him. Can’t get any work done.”

“What exactly is your official business on the bridge at the moment, Doctor?” Uhura asked lightly.

“Oh,” McCoy said. “Well. I just – came to see Jim.” Uhura raised her eyebrows so sharply that McCoy thought she must’ve been taking lessons from Spock. “But that’s different, that’s – it’s _me_.”

“Uh huh,” Uhura said, and swiveled back to her console. 

-

“Bones,” Jim said. “What’s up?”

“Huh?” McCoy shook his head to clear it. “What are you looking at?”

“What am _I_ looking at?” Jim said, putting down his old-fashioned hardback book on the couch next to him. “You were staring at _me_.”

“I was hoping I could get that scraggly tribble on your face to spontaneously combust if I thought about it hard enough,” McCoy said.

“My beard is hardly scraggly,” Jim said, stroking said beard in what he clearly thought was a sophisticated fashion. “It’s full and glorious.”

McCoy snorted. “It’s awful.”

“I don’t know why you hate it so much. Everybody else thinks it’s awesome. Even Spock said he liked it.”

“Spock did not say he liked it,” McCoy corrected. “He said it was ‘acceptable according to Starfleet grooming standards.’”

“That’s basically him saying he loves my beard so much he wants to marry me,” Jim said. “In Spock-speak.”

“Well, I’m glad he will, because I don’t see that anyone else would have you,” McCoy said.

“What do you mean?” Jim said. “Everybody loves the unshaven look. It makes me look dashing.”

“That’s just what I mean,” McCoy said. “On top of how awful it is, it’s making the crew crazy for some reason I cannot even begin to fathom, because it’s downright atrocious and that’s all there is to it.” He folded his arms, having made his point.

Jim pressed his lips together, looking deep in thought. After a minute, he said, “All right,” stood up, and strode into the bathroom.

“All right?” McCoy asked, as the doors slid shut. “All right _what_ , Jim?” McCoy stared at the doors until they slid open again, and Jim emerged, his face completely smooth. 

“Better?” Jim said, grinning and rubbing his now-beardless chin contemplatively.

“Jim,” McCoy said, squirming in his seat and suddenly feeling uncomfortable. “I didn’t mean you had to go shave it off right now. I mean – if you liked it – it’s _your_ beard. Not like it matters to me.”

Jim shrugged. “It was getting a little itchy anyway. And you know – I can always grow it back next shore leave. If I feel like it.” He flopped back down onto the couch and picked up his book. 

“Yeah,” McCoy said, clenching his hands into fists to prevent himself from reaching out to touch Jim’s cheek. “If you feel like it.”

3.

“You almost died.”

McCoy snorted and took a sip of his Saurian brandy. “Don’t be so melodramatic, Jim. A couple hours as a hostage isn’t that close to dying.”

Jim leaned back on the couch, clenching his own glass of brandy between both of his hands. “Maybe if I hadn’t pissed them off, you wouldn’t have been kidnapped in the first place,” Jim said. 

“They were terrorists, there’s no way to know what they would have done if you’d done anything differently,” McCoy said. “Maybe they would have taken me anyway. Maybe they would have taken you instead. No use beating yourself up about it.” McCoy took a second, larger sip, staring straight ahead as he felt Jim’s eyes on him. His hands shook slightly; he didn’t try to hide it.

“They were going to kill you,” Jim said. “If I didn’t deliver a thousand phasers to their headquarters by tonight, they were going to kill you.”

“Well then,” McCoy said, “it’s a good thing the Federation doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, because the last thing Beth Delta I needs is for their terrorists to be even more armed.”

“I was going to do it,” Jim said quietly.

“No, you weren’t.”

“I was,” Jim said flatly. 

“Then you’re a goddamn idiot,” McCoy said matter-of-factly. “You would’ve lost your command at the very least, and probably been court-martialed to boot.”

“Spock said as much,” Jim mumbled. “I’m captain of the Enterprise, damn it.”

McCoy glanced at him sideways. “Do you just love to say that out loud, or do you have a point?”

“I’m supposed to be ready for anything, and I _am_ ,” Jim said, rubbing his eyes with his fists. He looked just as exhausted as McCoy felt. “But then they grab _you_ , Bones, and you’re my – and I’m sitting there, thinking the last time I’ll ever see you, and you’re getting dragged off, a phaser to your head – ”

“Thanks for the reminder.”

“ – and I didn’t know what to do,” Jim finished. 

McCoy sighed, nudging Jim with his shoulder. “Look, kid,” he said. “So you thought about giving in for, what, two minutes? Then Spock snapped you out of your moment of temporary insanity, Scotty took down their shields and an hour later I’m out of there. No harm done.”

“Yeah,” Jim said. He shook his head and took a deep breath; he still felt like he still couldn’t get enough air in his lungs. McCoy knew the feeling. “I just – I don’t like that feeling. The feeling that I don’t always know what to do, the feeling that I might do something wrong and fuck up.”

“Yeah, must be tough to be only human,” McCoy drawled. “I wouldn’t know anything about that, of course. Jim, you can’t always save everyone. We’ve both had to learn that the hard way. You’re a damn fine captain and you know it, and you always do what you have to do and most of the time it all works out in the end.”

“I know,” Jim said, running a hand through his hair. He looked over at McCoy, looking younger and more scared than McCoy had seen him in a long time, and McCoy was gripped with the sudden urge to grab his hand. 

But McCoy knew from seeing it happen over and over again on the Enterprise that connections forged in the adrenaline-induced insanity of a near-death experience didn’t always last much longer than the night, and if he and Jim were ever going to figure this out, it wouldn’t be this way, so he just leaned back and took another sip of brandy, letting himself lean again Jim’s shoulder.

“Look,” Jim said quietly, and McCoy felt his stomach clench, but then Jim just elbowed him. “Don’t get kidnapped and almost killed again, all right? Scared the shit out of me.” 

“I’ll give it my best effort,” McCoy said wryly. He felt the warmth radiating from Jim’s arm, pressed against his own, and relaxed, and wondered, _what if?_.

4.

“Can we not go one second without some kind of crisis around here?” McCoy said, following Jim and Spock off the bridge and into the turbolift. 

“It has been four days, twelve hours and approximately 45 minutes since we last encountered any type of emergency, Doctor McCoy,” Spock said as the doors slid shut behind them and the turbolift started to move.

“Thanks for clarifying,” McCoy snapped. “I really thought it had actually been just _one second_ since I _personally_ was held hostage, you green-blooded – ”

“I was simply reminding you as to the exact period of time between – ”

“Gentlemen,” Jim interrupted. “Shut up. That’s an order.”

“You,” McCoy said, rounding on Jim, “are batshit crazy. This whole plan is insane. Do you not realize that you’re about to go over to a ship full of Klingons?”

“Bones, it’s a colonial transport ship,” Jim said. “Five crew and 50 women and children.”

“Yeah, 50 _Klingon_ women and children!” McCoy said. “They’re born fighting, Jim, they come out of the womb ready to stab you, and they’ve never cared a whit about distress calls from our ships.”

“So because of that, they deserve to suffocate when their life support systems run out?” Jim said.

“Well – I – no, of course not, but - ”

“If they’re ever going to trust the Federation, we have to start somewhere,” Jim said. The turbolift doors opened, and Jim strode purposefully toward transporter room one, McCoy and Spock a step behind. “Fixing their engine seems like as good a place as any.”

“Spock, talk some sense into him,” McCoy hissed. “Going over there alone and unarmed - do you two have a death wish?”

“The captain is correct in believing that if we are armed, they will believe they are being boarded in a hostile fashion,” Spock said, and McCoy clenched his fists as they entered the transporter room. “This is the most logical way for us to convince them that we come, as it were, in peace.”

“Scotty, keep a lock on us, and prepare to beam us back if it looks like they’re going to self-destruct,” Jim said, nodding to Scott.

“Aye, sir,” Scott said, his hands flying over the terminal.

“At least let me come with you,” McCoy said as Jim and Spock stepped up onto the platform. “Wait and I’ll get a med kit.” 

“No,” Jim said.

“They might need medical care. Or they might _stab you_ and then _you_ might need medical care. Or _I_ might stab you for being so goddamned _stupid_ \- ”

“It _would_ be advisable to have a medical professional accompany us, Captain.”

“No,” Jim said. “I won’t risk it. We go alone. Energize.”

“Why not? If you can go – ”

“Bones, don’t argue with me on this, all right?” Jim said.

“Jim, you’re just being difficult, wait one goddamn second while I grab a med kit.”

“We’re not waiting.”

“Can you tell me why _you_ should be able to go over there but I can’t – ”

“Because I’m fucking in love with you, okay? Scotty, I said _energize_.”

The transporter whirred, and Jim and Spock faded away. McCoy stared at the platform blankly until the last wisps of their molecules had disappeared.

“Jim Kirk, you are an idiot,” he said into the empty air.

“The captain does know how to get a man’s attention, doesn’t he?” Scotty said, raising his eyebrows.

-

“They’ve been over there for two goddamn hours,” McCoy said for the ump-teenth time to Uhura. “Are you sure they’re okay?”

“I told you, everything sounds fine,” Uhura said patiently, her eyes on her terminal. “No self-destruct sequences, no phasers fired, no talk of torturing the two Federation spies.” She smiled wryly. “I’ve been listening carefully.”

“I still say it was a crazy idea,” McCoy muttered. “Goddamn lunatics, boarding a Klingon ship without so much as a phaser. One of these days Jim is going to get us all - ”

“ _Kirk to Enterprise_.” The whole bridge snapped to attention as Jim’s voice came over Uhura’s comm station. “ _Scotty, we need you over here. Their warp drive is shot. It looks like the dilithium chamber is out of alignment, and their captain, ah, killed their one engineer after it broke_.”

After feeling like he’d been holding his breath for two straight hours, McCoy rolled his eyes; only Jim’s voice could make him feel both relieved and pissed off at the same time.

“Very reassuring, Captain,” Scotty said. 

“ _They’ve got about eight hours of life support left – will that be enough time_?”

“Re-aligning the dilithium chamber? I’ll have us out of there in four,” Scotty said.

“ _Great_ ,” Jim said. “ _Kirk out_.”

McCoy leaned against the comm station and took a deep breath. “I’m going back to sickbay,” he said, patting Uhura faintly on the shoulder. “If you hear from the captain, tell him next time I see him, I’m gonna kill him.”

-

“Command has asked us to come back for a full de-brief, so we’re on our way back to sector 001,” Jim said, looking around at the assembled senior officers. “Good work, everyone. If we’re lucky, we may have just taken the first step toward diplomacy with the Klingon Empire. I promise I’ll try to get you all a mention in the history books.” He flashed a grin. “We’ll be docking at Starbase 1 at 1400 tomorrow. Dismissed.”

McCoy stood up with the rest of the senior officers and hovered by the door as they filed out. He fixed his gaze on Jim, who stared resolutely down at the PADD in his hands. As the door slid shut behind Chekov, McCoy cleared his throat.

“You’re an asshole,” McCoy said. 

Jim let out a long breath. “Yeah,” he said, looking up at McCoy. “I know. Even Spock knows. As soon as we got over there, he goes, ‘Considering the possibility that we may not return from this mission, Captain, that was uncharacteristically cruel.’” 

“For once, I agree with the green-blooded bastard,” McCoy said, crossing his arms. “If you didn’t want me to come, you could have just made it a goddamn order. You didn’t have to make up some stupid bullshit just to – ”

Jim snorted, and McCoy paused mid-sentence. “What?” he said, feeling his chest tighten.

“I didn’t make it up, Bones,” Jim said, shaking his head and staring up at the ceiling. 

“Oh, come on now – you’re not - ”

“I wasn’t thinking straight when I said it,” Jim said. “I’ll give you that. What I _wanted_ to say was that I didn’t like how I handled it last week when you were a hostage, and I didn’t want to risk that happening again while I was sorting all this shit out inside my head. And then I was thinking that if I didn’t get killed by a bunch of Klingons over there I’d maybe ask you to have a drink with me and explain to you later, calmly and rationally, that it was because I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you – _that_ was the plan. But then, I said the other thing, instead. Because I’m a fucking idiot.” Jim finally looked him straight in the eye. “But I wasn’t making it up.”

“That isn’t funny,” McCoy said in a low voice. 

“I’m not trying to be funny,” Jim said, standing up and tucking his PADD under his arm. “I’m trying to be honest. But I’m tired. If you want to be pissed or whatever, we can talk about it some other time. Or not at all, if that’s more convenient.” Jim shrugged, gave McCoy a small, rueful smile, and left the conference room.

McCoy watched him go, struck dumb. He was frozen as the doors slid shut. He thought about the sound the transporter made as it took Jim away to the Klingon ship; he thought about the feeling of the phaser to his head four days earlier; he thought about the look on Jim’s face as he walked out of the door. 

“Jim,” he said, bursting through the doors into the corridor. He looked left and right, wildly, and saw Jim turning a corner. “Jim!”

Jim stopped and looked back over his shoulder. “Yeah?”

McCoy jogged to catch up with him, and rested his hand, feather-light, on Jim’s elbow. “That drink you mentioned. You still up for it?”

Jim clamped his lips together like he was trying not to grin. “I’ve got a bottle of Saurian brandy in my quarters.”

“Let’s go,” McCoy said, and followed him down the corridor.

-

 

When McCoy woke up, he almost forgot where he was. Almost.

It would have been difficult to forget for long, though, considering the expanse of warm, sleeping Jim pressed up against his chest. His right arm was still stuck under Jim’s neck and Jim’s hair was tickling his nose, and frankly McCoy really liked sprawling out across a whole bed, and was not particularly comfortable squeezed into a regular-sized bed with another person who seemed not at all concerned about making sure he was only taking up his share of the blankets. But as McCoy wrapped his left arm around Jim’s waist and pulled him closer, so they were flush up against each other from shoulder to ankle, he thought he could get used to this. Maybe. Once in a while.

Moments later, the bedside chrono began to beep out Jim’s alarm. Jim groaned and flung out a hand to turn it off, burrowing his face into his pillow.

“Morning,” McCoy muttered into his ear as Jim kicked him. “Ow – that was my shin.”

“Sorry,” Jim said, suddenly squirming and turning around so they were face to face. “Hi. You stayed.”

“Guess so,” McCoy said, sliding his hand up Jim’s back and threading it into the hair at the nape of his neck.

“All night.”

“Considering it’s morning now, that does appear to be the case. You’ll have to be on the lookout before I leave - I don’t want every ensign and their mother getting involved in our personal business, especially when we barely even know what’s going on ourselves.”

“I know what’s going on,” Jim said, smirking.

“Oh, yeah?” McCoy asked. “Mind filling me in?”

“We’re best friends, and we also just slept together, and it’s awesome,” Jim said.

“That really clarifies,” McCoy said, rolling his eyes. “Thanks for enlightening me.” Jim grinned and kissed him. McCoy kissed back and wrapped his leg around Jim’s thigh, pulling Jim closer. 

“Come to dinner with me tonight?” Jim said. “After the de-brief. We could go to that place in North Beach we used to go to after exams. You know, with the tacos.”

“I wasn’t planning to leave the ship,” McCoy groaned. “And now you have to go and mention those goddamn tacos. You bastard. You know how I feel about those tacos.”

“Yeah, I do,” Jim said, grinning. “So it’s a date?”

“Sure, kid,” McCoy said. “Whatever you want to call it.”

“All right – we’ve got thirty minutes to alpha. You ready for 28 minutes of morning sex?”

“I need coffee, so you’ve got 26 and a half,” McCoy said.

“It’s on, old man,” Jim said, and grinned, and McCoy knew he was in trouble.

 

5.

McCoy flipped off the console, scowling. Of his five minute sub-space transmission, only three minutes had been devoted to Joanna, in all of her nine year old glory, telling him about her ballet class and the trip she and Jocelyn were taking to Venezuela over spring break. Then she’d run off to play, and Jocelyn had sat down in front of the console.

" _So I overheard something interesting at the PTA meeting last night_ ," Jocelyn drawled, and McCoy help his breath. " _Apparently some big tabloid ran a picture of my ex-husband getting a cozy dinner with Captain James T. Kirk last week in San Francisco. Now Len, you know I do not care in the slightest what you get up to or who you get up to it with_ \- "

"Sure you don't," McCoy muttered.

" - _But I don't want Jo coming home from school telling me all about daddy's new boyfriend who she read about in a holo-mag. I've held up my end of the bargain, I've never let her find out about anyone I didn't think would be sticking around. If it's serious with Kirk, call up your daughter and introduce him, and if it's not, don't you dare get her hopes up about it, and keep yourself out of sight, okay? Try to be a good father_." 

McCoy heard what Jocelyn, in her boundless kindness, left unsaid: _For once_. 

-

“Have you met that visiting anthropologist we picked up for this trip to Nibiru, Dr. Friley? I don’t know what planet that dress is in style on, but I want to live there.” Jim flopped down on McCoy’s couch. “It was like her chest was begging for me to stare at it.”

“You’re an asshole,” McCoy said.

“Seriously, though, did you catch a glimpse? She’s only here for two weeks – do you think all that stuff about being careful and respectful about fraternization applies if she’s just visiting?”

“When have you ever given a shit?” McCoy muttered.

“You wound me,” Jim said. “I follow regs, Bones. I mean – mostly. But Dr. Friley – for her, I’d bend the rules. And speaking of _bending_ , I bet she’d look pretty good bent over a – ”

“I don’t want to hear it,” McCoy snarled.

“Whoa, whoa, I was kidding,” Jim said, holding up his hands. “It was a joke! I know fraternization applies to everyone except my senior officers. Why do you think I’m here in the first place?” He winked, and McCoy pursed his lips and stormed to the liquor cabinet. “Okay, that was also a joke. Guess I’ll just turn off the comedic genius for tonight as there is clearly no audience for it here. What’s got your panties in a twist tonight, Bones?” McCoy pulled out a bottle of Saurian brandy and a lowball glass and poured himself three fingers. “Seriously, what is with you? Should I just go?”

McCoy gulped down half the glass. “No. Maybe. I don’t know.”

“Did something happen today?"

McCoy scowled and took another sip. "I got a sub-space from Jo and Jocelyn."

"Ah."

"Don't you 'ah' me. That's got nothing to do with this," McCoy said, completely aware that he was full of shit.

Jim gave him a look that said he was aware of it too. "Right. What'd they have to say?"

"Oh, not much," McCoy said lightly. "Jo had another dance recital. They're going to South America over spring break. Oh, and some trashy holo-mag is broadcasting that we’re an item and my ex-wife heard about it at a fucking PTA meeting.”

“I didn’t take Jocelyn for the PTA type,” Jim said. McCoy just glared at him. “All right, well that kind of sucks. How’d they find out?”

“Apparently somebody got holo footage of us at dinner after the de-briefing last week,” McCoy said. “Didn’t take much to figure it out, I’m guessing.”

“No, probably not,” Jim agreed. “We weren’t exactly keeping our hands to ourselves. I’m sorry Jocelyn found out that way, but what’s the big deal? We’re not breaking any rules, and Jocelyn hates you, so it’s not like she can be jealous – maybe she’s jealous of you, I am pretty famous, you know - ”

“It’s about _Joanna_ ,” McCoy snapped. “She might see the holo-vids, or hear about it at school. After the divorce, we swore we wouldn’t put her through anything like that again, and we wouldn’t parade new moms and dads in and out of her life. Unless it’s serious and long-term, she doesn’t hear about it.”

“So what’s the problem?” Jim asked, looking genuinely confused. “Send her a sub-space, tell her that her dad is dating a drop dead gorgeous starship captain that you’ll introduce her to next time we’re in the sector, and the problem’s solved. I mean,” Jim said slowly, “as long as you think this is, you know, serious and long-term. Do you think it is?”

McCoy had no idea what he thought. Sometimes he thought he could spend the rest of his life following Jim around the galaxy like a puppy dog; sometimes Jim made him so angry he wanted to open an airlock and push the kid out; and sometimes, on nights like tonight, he was so sure he was going to screw everything up, so terrified of ever feeling as bad as he did the day Jocelyn told him to get out and never come back, that he wanted to bury his head in the sand and pretend it wasn’t happening at all. 

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m not the one who’s never been in a relationship that lasted longer than a shower before now.”

If Jim was stung by the words, he didn’t show it. “It’s your call, Bones. You have to do what you think is best for Joanna. If I’m part of that, just let me know.” Jim stood up. “I’m done fighting for tonight, I’m tired. Do you want to…?” he said, and gestured vaguely at the spot on the couch next to him.

“I’ve got some reports to finish,” McCoy said flatly.

“Right,” Jim said, and stood up. “I’ll let you get to that, then.” He took a step forward, reached out, and McCoy hoped, for a brief moment, that Jim would touch him, but he didn’t. Instead he ran his hand through his hair, smiled ruefully, and left the room. McCoy watched him go until the doors slid shut behind him.

-

“You’re an idiot.”

McCoy looked up. “Lovely to see you too, Nyota. What can I help you with?”

Uhura walked into his office and perched on the edge of his desk. “You heard me. You’re an idiot.”

McCoy leaned back in his seat, looking at her appraisingly. “What’s Jim been saying?”

“Nothing to me,” Uhura scoffed. “Not about this.”

“Okay, what’s he been saying to that hobgoblin boyfriend of yours, then?”

Uhura rolled her eyes. “He hasn’t been talking to Spock either. But as of yesterday you rearranged your schedules so you’re never off shift at the same time as him, which is the exact opposite of how you’ve requested your schedules be for the past year. Plus, he looks miserable, and you’re even grumpier than usual – we put two and two together. So what did you do?”

“What did _I_ do?” McCoy said, feeling his face heat up. It was one thing to have this uneasy truce that made it not extremely weird that Uhura apparently knew what was going on with him and Jim; it was another to have her sit in his office and give him that look that said she knew exactly what was going on with his life. “Who says it was me who did anything?”

“Kirk is a cocky, arrogant shithead a lot of the time,” Uhura said matter-of-factly. 

“No arguments here,” McCoy muttered.

“But as much as it pains me to attribute any real human emotions to him, it doesn’t take an empath to notice that he’s in love with you.”

“He’s not in love with me. It’s just overgrown lust,” he muttered.

“Whatever it is,” Uhura said, “You’d better figure it out and let him know.”

“Jim can take care of himself,” McCoy said.

Uhura laughed. “Believe me, I’m not worried about him. But you two – I don’t think anybody else will put up with the bullshit you accumulate between the two of you, so you’re probably meant for each other.”

“Nobody’s meant for each other,” McCoy said. “It doesn’t work that way. Jim just needs somebody around to keep his head from blowing up so big he cracks a bulkhead, and I happen to be the one around to do it right now. I’m supposed to be his best friend, and we’ve gotten that a little mixed up. That’s it.” 

“Whatever you say,” Uhura said, but her eyes were sharp. “But it’s pretty clear that he wants to be with you.”

“Jim Kirk doesn’t know what he wants,” McCoy said. “He doesn’t have a damn clue.”

“Are you sure you’re talking about him?” Uhura said, and McCoy just looked at her until she shrugged and said good bye. 

-

And one

 

“What the hell is this?”

McCoy didn’t even flinch as Jim slammed the door shut behind him. “What?” he said, putting down his PADD and staring out the window at the bay. He knew it was coming, but he’d hoped for one more night. 

“You fucking know,” Jim said, his breathing heavy, like he’d run all the way from Command to McCoy’s tiny officer’s quarters on the other side of the Presidio. McCoy turned to face him, and Jim slammed a PADD into his hands. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. Your fucking transfer request.”

“Jim,” McCoy said. “Come on.”

“Don’t _come on_ me,” Jim said, his face flushed. “Were you ever gonna tell me?”

“Of course I was,” McCoy said. “Just hadn’t found the – the right time.”

“You haven’t been able to find any time for me lately,” Jim said, and McCoy couldn’t argue. “Since I woke up, since you brought me back from the _dead_ , you’ve been really fucking _busy_. Now I guess I know why.”

“This can’t be that much of a surprise,” McCoy said. “They want to know how I did it – they want to see if we can create in the lab. That little girl in London, and now you – we could save a lot of lives, Jim, and they need me to be a part of it. You knew this was coming.”

“I knew the research was coming,” Jim said. “I’m too much of a part of this little medical miracle to miss that. But I thought you’d be doing your part from the Enterprise.”

“I have to be here,” McCoy said gently, willing Jim to make this easier. “They need me here.”

“ _I_ need you,” Jim said, his voice ragged. “I need you with me.” His shoulders slumped, as if the admission had cost him more energy than he had to give. 

“You don’t need me,” McCoy said firmly. “You’ll be fine.”

“So this is just about the research,” Jim said slowly. “You’ll be back in six months, a year, whenever they figure this out, right? This is temporary.”

McCoy didn’t answer. He’d always had trouble lying to Jim.

“Or tell me it’s about wanting to be near Joanna, that you want to fight for custody, that you want to be here while she grows up. Or maybe it’s about space – you fucking _hate_ space, and this shit with Khan, this was just one time too many, and you don’t want to go back out there again. Tell me any of it.” Jim’s voice was sharp now, piercing, leaving McCoy nowhere to run. “Or else just man the fuck up and tell me it’s because you don’t want to be anywhere near me.”

“It’s not that simple,” McCoy said, and there was a long, heavy silence. 

“Of course it’s not,” Jim said. 

“How do you see this playing out, Jim?” McCoy said. “This thing with you and me. How does it end?”

“How am I supposed to answer that?” Jim said. “I don’t know how it ends, Bones. It was supposed to be just beginning.”

“I’ll tell you how it ends,” McCoy said. He stood up and walked over until he was eye to eye with Jim. “It ends like this: one of us gets killed. It might be me, who knows, but I’d put my money on you, because you’ve already proven you’re a self-sacrificing idiot. So you die, and next time, I can’t bring you back. There. That’s how it ends.”

“So you want to end it now, because one of us might die?” Jim said. “Pretty fucking cowardly, if you ask me – ”

“Or here’s another version – you get bored, and some new visiting anthropologist you’d like to bend over comes aboard, and I’m out like yesterday’s dirty laundry – ”

“If you think I would actually do that, you don’t know me at all,” Jim said coldly.

“Or maybe it’s me,” McCoy said, his voice growing louder. “Hey, I’m the one who walked out on my family last time, you know, maybe I decide I want out again, maybe I walk away in the middle of the night, maybe I leave – ”

“You’d be able to leave if you wanted to, I’m not asking you to sign up for _forever_ ,” Jim spat.

“And here’s the kick in the nuts, Jim,” McCoy said, as if Jim hadn’t even interrupted. “Best case scenario is that we make this work for a while, and it’s okay, and then eventually, we start fighting, real fights, you know, and we get pissed off and resentful and we don’t talk for days, and before you know it we end up hating each other. Because that’s how being in love _works_ , Jim, that’s what _happens_ , and I don’t want to fucking end up like that with _you_. So I’m going to stay here, and you’re going to get back on the Enterprise, and maybe we can be friends, and we’ll never have to hate each other.” 

He was shouting by the end, his throat was going to be raw, and Jim was just staring at him, and this was it, _this_ was the version that was actually going to happen, this was how it ended for them, and it didn’t feel like it right now, but he knew, he just knew, that this would be the version that hurt the least. He took a deep breath and crossed his arms.

“That’s how _what_ works?” Jim said slowly.

“What?” McCoy said.

“You just said that’s how _being in love_ works,” Jim said. “Are you in love with me?”

McCoy opened his mouth, and closed it, feeling like all the air had escaped from his lungs. “Fuck.”

Jim laughed. “Hey, I’d be happy to, but I feel like we should finish this conversation first,” he said. “You know, you’re right. I don’t know how this is going to end. I can’t tell you that. But right now, I really just want to find out. I don’t want it to end _here_.” He shrugged. “If you want it to, I’ll walk away and sign your transfer request. We’ll just be friends. We’ll see each other a few times a year, maybe less. You won’t have to worry about ending up hating each other, because we won’t fucking _know_ each other well enough to hate each other. How’s that version sound? Is that how you want this to play out?”

McCoy glared at him. “I don’t know,” he said. “No. Sounds fucking terrible.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jim said, taking a step forward. “I can’t predict the future, Bones. But let’s just see how this goes on its own.”

“I can’t promise I’m not going to fuck things up,” McCoy said, feeling his resolve crumbling as Jim’s eyes widened.

“How about just do your best to not actively put in effort to fuck it up?” Jim said, the corners of his lips turning up. 

“I can probably do that,” McCoy said, as Jim leaned in and caught his lips.

“I already agreed to stay here for my research,” he said against Jim’s mouth. “They won’t like me changing my mind.”

“It’ll work out. Don’t forget, I just came back from the dead, I have some sway with Command,” Jim said confidently, leaning his forehead against McCoy’s.

"Abuse of power," McCoy muttered.

"Worth it," Jim said, and McCoy knew he was done for, and for the first time, he was kind of, sort of okay with that.

~fin~


End file.
